Bachmann says GOTP nominee must be true conservative, just like her?

26 Sep

According to the Associated Press (AP), former Republican Tea Party (GOTP) darling Michele “Krazy” Bachmann is reportedly dismissing concerns about the strength of her campaign and told supporters she alone has the best conservative credentials to be president.

“I’ve got the complete skill set to do this job,” she told a huge crowd of roughly 35 people in a half-full Cedar Rapids, Iowa hotel ballroom on a dreary rainy day.

Wow, a whole 35 people?! That’s incredible; however did you manage such a huge crowd, especially with the rain and all?!

“This message has to be driven home by conservatives: We can’t settle. We can’t settle. We have to have a candidate who has it all,” she said. “Who is a fiscal conservative, and I am. Who is a national security – peace through strength conservative – like Ronald Reagan was. And I am. And we have to have someone who is a social conservative, who believes in the family. And I do. And we need a tea party conservative, and I am.”

“And we need someone who is not entirely all there. And I am not entirely all there,” her Brain Captain threw in for good measure.

Krazy suggested some of her GOTP opponents couldn’t be trusted to repeal Obama’s health care law – aka Mittens Romney; and the rest didn’t understand foreign policy as well as she does and some were compromised because they’d done favors for political donors – aka Reverend Perry.

And some didn’t understand how hard it was to push through high heal induced migraines, or how hard it was to be submissive to their husbands; or how hard it was not to know American history.

Bachmann thanked the people for showing up and tried to justify the dismally light attendance.

“I know it was short notice,” she said, “it’s in the middle of the day, everyone’s at work, it’s a rainy day, there’s a lot of places you can be.”

Her Brain Captain continued the thought, “And I know there’s lots to do in Cedar Rapids, like watching the grass grow or the paint drying, and I am just so doggone happy and thrilled you gave up those events to come listen to me try to continue to justify my pitiful existence as a presidential hopeful.”

According to the AP, Krazy shook nearly every hand in the room and signed autographs.

Wow, she shook nearly all 35 hands?! That’s incredible; however did she manage to get around to nearly everyone in the room?! It must have taken minutes!

Krazy strongly dismissed suggestions her campaign was floundering, saying voters would pick the nominee, not the news media. And she said she believes she is “positioned perfectly right now” to compete for the nomination because conservatives are looking for someone with her fiery message and record of opposing Obama.

And this ship is entirely capable of making it all the way to New York in spite of that huge gaping hole running along her side.

She’s certifiable; she’s completely 100% certifiable; there’s no way – NO WAY – she’s ever going to win the nomination. She hasn’t had a snow ball’s chance since day 1 and she hasn’t got a snow ball’s chance now. The only good thing about her continued candidacy is that she’s providing the comic relief – watching her campaigning is like watching Lucille Ball or Mary Tyler Moore on crack.

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Posted by on September 26, 2011 in 2012 Election


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