Tag Archives: Tea Parties

Just when I was beginning to wonder how curious it was that six weeks into a market recovery no one on the right had given any credit to President Obama, especially after continuously laying the blame at his feet for its seemingly endless downward plunge for the past 3 months; remember when Hannity, on opening his FOX  PAC program on 6 Mar 09, said, “And our headline this Friday night: Welcome to Day Number 46 of Obama’s Bear Market. Now, that’s what some news organizations are calling it tonight as the Dow Jones industrial average actually finished up about 30 points today at the end of a disastrous week.” And he concluded, “According to Bloomberg News, the Dow has now dropped faster during the first six weeks of the Obama administration than any other administration in at least 90 years. But is that a surprise after weeks of talking down the economy?”

Well today opening her FOX PAC program Bulls and Bears hostess Brenda Buttner cleared up what is responsible for the upturn when she said, “Call it a tea party rally. Wall Street’s sure partying, up six weeks in a row. The bulls came out about the same time these guys started to shout, saying no to big government, big taxes, and big bailouts. Will that keep investors saying yes to stocks?” Buttner finished, “After months on its back, the market comes back the same time Americans fight back against big government. Is that a coincidence?”

Now we all know why conservatives couldn’t give any credit to the President. They’ve been waiting for anything, and I do mean anything, else to explain it. It was the Tea Parties!

The next phase of this will occur on Monday, when it will begin with Rush, and then Hannity, Ingraham, O’Rielly, Beck, when they’ll all begin to echo that the “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – as the Tea Parties were described by FOX PAC commentator Geraldo Rivera Thursday – are what’s really responsible for the new found confidence in the stock market.  It will all become crystal clear. The economy couldn’t possibly be responding positively to anything a democrat liberal could have done! It can only respond negatively to democrat efforts. If it is going to move upwards, it can only do so due to something happening on the conservative side. The Tea Parties! Aha! They spontaneously began on the GOP side!

Pay attention now as I describe how the conservative talk jocks will try to validate this claim: A group of village idiot types – we’ll call them Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – are attempting to claim that “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – we’ll call them Tea Parties – are responsible for the stock market recovering.

Sir Bedevere – aka Rush – arrives on the scene, and asks them why they’re claiming this.

The village idiot types – Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – first say that credit couldn’t possibly be given to anyone with the middle name Hussein, but then grudgingly have to admit he didn’t give himself the name.

The village idiot types – Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – then make some more outrageous claims (Hannity says that the economy couldn’t be rebounding from anything that someone who palls around with terrorists could have done; while O’Reilly claims that there’s no doubt attending a church of a left wing extremist would definitely cancel out anything positive a democrat president could do; and then Beck shouts that he turned him into a newt – though he later ‘got better’).

Sir Bedevere – aka Rush – then talks the village idiot types – Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – through the ‘logic’ for checking that it – “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – you remember, the  Tea Parties – are responsible for the stock market recovering – and after some false turns and lots of dim stares, they all come to the following basic conclusions.

First, “Groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – the Tea Parties – burn (actually they combust). This one is fair enough, though the idiot types – Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – suggest trying to actually burn the “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – Tea Parties – as way of testing this.

Second, Wood Burns. Hence “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – or Tea Parties – are made of wood. How do you check that “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – Tea parties – are made of wood? Try building a bridge out of it, Hannity suggests – but Bedevere – aka Rush – points out that you can also make bridges from stone.

Third, Wood Floats. Bedevere – aka Rush – gently leads them to this point, and asks them if they know anything else that floats.

Fourth, Ducks Float. The village idiot types – Hannity, Beck and O’Reilly – actually have a lot of trouble thinking of something else that floats – Beck shouts that really small pebbles float! But it is Arthur (Buttner), who has just arrived on the scene, who says: ‘A Duck!’ (Stunned amazement and dramatic music.)

Therefore… The logic goes: that if “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – Tea Parties – weigh the same as a duck, then they’re responsible for the stock market recovering, and they can burn the president. So they put the “groups that have aspects of spontaneity” – Tea Parties – on a set of scales with a duck, and wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, they weigh the same

At this point we cut to a commercial: Scene opens with an egg being held over a red hot frying pan, cue voice over: “This is your brain.”

Egg is broken and dropped into red hot frying pan begins to fry, cue voice over, “This is your brain on conservative talk radio; any questions?”